Interveiw by Dale/Pics courtesy of the band
I don’t know much about the city of Leeds except that it’s where Who recorded “Live At Leeds”, the Mekons and Gang Of Four were from there and that overcrowding caused a cholera epidemic in the 1800’s. What would you like to add?
The Hand-(guitar "TH"): There's lots of bands-there's lots of punk rock action. And if you like partying and bands and stuff its lots of cheap fun. New York bands come over and always ask about The Gang of Four and try to sound like them and I always wonder why they don't try sound like the Dead Boys. There's loads of hilarious NY fashion victims as well. And there's always squares trying it on.
HotDog -(drums "HD"): Leeds kinda sucks due to the main stream of stupid mullet/long Rod Stewart hair cuts...the kids all wanna look like shots from a fashion magazine. The Real Losers don't get the reaction that they so rightly deserve.
Isn’t Leeds a popular destination for shopping. Are the fashion victims a cause or effect?
Chris Shake (CS vox/bass): Yeah theres lots of expensive trendy shops that cater for fashion
victim bozos. Even the second hand clothes stores are expensive. So I guess it attracts a certain type of crowd.
HD: Yeah we have our own harvey nichols store...big fucking wow! Fashion victims are just cunts.
CS: They built an olympic size swimming pool in the 60's (in Leeds), unfortunately it was too short so it couldn't qualify for international status, thus couldn't be used for competition events. Plus my uncle tiled it and used the wrong grout so it leaked-what a loser uh!
It WAS the 60’s after all. Do you ever think they were on drugs and into Indian mysticism and figured it would all work out?
CS: No, I just think that his tiling was useless...I don't think drugs came into it, booze yes!
The story goes that the Gang Of Four and the Mekons formed when after they met at art school in Leeds. The Real Losers didn’t happen to meet that way?
TH: We met at a royal garden party.
HD: We met by accident whilst taking part in a chemical experiment, organised by the Leeds Toxic Waste Society...so I guess you could call it art school.
CS: We've known each other for millions of years, me and the hand played in 2 primitive garage bands "The Tombstones" whos diet included nothing but Back From The Grave records and "The Insects" who released one 45 on Greg (X-RAYS) label Dig The Fuzz!! We met Hot dog when she was a speed freak mod in 95/96...we finished art school in 99, tried to sound like the gang of four, failed, discovered the joys of insane punk rock 'n' roll and we aint looked back since.
TH: I've seen people coming out of art school, they look like idiots who dont know nothing. They should learn only to draw like EC comics.
Isn’t Leeds the place where they held a big Techno rave every year? You weren’t subject to that shit-were you?
TH: They did it once i think. I was thankfully out of town having fun. It was in a really snobby part of town so i thought GOOD, the snobs can deal with the ravers for once.
HD: The idea of standing in a field and watching roncas blowing whistles and covered in day glow isnt my idea of having fun. Now may be if there was a guarantee of circus freaks (dwarves, bearded ladies and the like) preforming live sex shows and wearing basks, that may entice me.
CS: Who knows!! Who cares!! That shit happens in every crappy town all over the world! I dont want any part of it!
Who’s worse? Hippies or ravers?
HD: Hippies are pathetic, ravers are annoying ...its too hard to judge!
TH: Hippies cos theyre around during day light as well as night.
CS: YES!
What was the first record that made you totally lose your mind and want to be so ROCK’n’Roll? What has been the most recent?
CS: All i played as a kid living with my folks was Bill Haley and The Comets "Rock around the Clock" LP, kinda dug the way old Bill croaked em out.
TH: "Psychotic Reaction" by the count 5 when I was 16. I joined a gang and to be in the gang you had to know that song. They wouldnt play it to me for about 2 weeks. When i finally heard it , it was great cos it meant i was IN. It totally blew my mind. It was so hyped up, it was like a religious rite, like joining a cult. After wards we went out smashing windows.
HD: The first record was probably "Mamma we're all crazy now!" by Slade...it still rocks!
What's been the most recent?
CS: The most recent stuff that drives me nutzoid is Guitar Wolf/Crime/Little Richard, and I'm totally into the Flakes!!
HD: Hits by The Boys, The Vibrators, The Damned, The Stooges, Guitar Wolf .........Any track thats
got real big meaty balls!
The Hand is credited for “guitars+burgers”. What did he do during the time when England was having a problem with Mad Cow disease?
HD: He played his guitars really loud to try and fight off the disease...The Hands special powers can fight off any illness, he never been to see his quack.
CS: He ate wild boar, a whole ton of fried chicken, pork and beans and rats. To be honest I think he's immune to that kinda crap!
TH: I ate nothing but Hot dogs.
Does the Hand self medicate? How does he make it through the day?
CS: I think its due to the alcohol in his blood-it kills all known germs dead.
HD: Partying hard seems to shifts his headaches.
What would the Hand perscibe?
TH: NAVY RUM!
Do cows with Mad Cow disease look angry or insane?
CS: Both, I saw some on t.v. and they looked totally messed up, legs every where!
Do the Real Losers have a real nice bar-b-que grill?
HD: No! Grilling food isn't fast enough.....We eat all our protein raw!
CS: We tried grilling on the balcony of my flat once, all we got was some concerned dude banging on the door cos he thought the place was on fire!
If I come over to visit what would type of stuff would be happening at a bar-b-que party?
TH: Burgers, booze, fire. We normally stick my AC30 in the window and wire tapes through it. Then get drunk and set fire to stuff.
CS: I might drop my trousers, The Hand would break stuff and Hot dog would sing you a song!
HD: Beer. Me and Shake have been known to wrestle with guests and take off our clothes. The Hand he likes to smash things up and set fire to stuff. So a good party involves gross nudity, dancing in the streets and shouting "AAAAAAAALLLLLLLLWWRRRRRRIIIGHHHTTTT!" Very loudly!
Awww Hell yeah! I live in the Midwest and we take our BBQing seriously. Shit, we even cook out in the dead of winter. Nudity ensues even in snowfall. Could the Real Losers handle something like that?
HD: Nudity any time baby...
CS: ...Oh yeah, so long as were not on the menu- a la 2000 Maniacs.
So there will be a ton of beer, right? What beer will we be drinking?
TH: Only the cheapest shit available!
HD: Any brand as long as it is at least 5 percent alcohol.
It seems that most of the cheap beer (at least in Michigan) is 5% now. If you were to send me to the store to buy 48 beers-What should I purchase?
TH: All the cheap stuff round here is 5% too.
CS: Double Dutch is probably best of the bunch, Strike 5 can make your liver and kidneys explode. I'd go for Carlsberg export or Kronnenberg.
What kind of mess would ensue?
HD: 48 beers, i'm sure we could make use of them...but you'd probably regret you bought them.
TH: I think 10 cans each would end up in your garden being full of puke.
CS: Sure we'd probably make a mess of your flower bed and fence. Just hide the matches!
What's the story on people tossing footwear through the Hand's window?
TH: I was relaxing 1 night cranking out prime texan trash and somebody threw a shoe through my window. A ladies shoe.I tried it on but it didnt fit.
HD: I do like the Hand in a pair of ladies heels now an again......very NY Dolls.
CS: I reckon he's expecting the girl to climb through his window next time ...shoeless of course!
TH: Somebody actually stole it from my room. Probably some weirdo.
So ya didn't persue the owner of the shoe ala Cinderella?
TH: I wouldn't bother as the owner of the shoe didn't like primitive teen garage. I don't know how Cinderella ends, doesn't Prince come an get her in the end?
Yeah...Something like that. If the Real Losers we're to write the Cinderella story-How would it go?
CS: Total blood shed...Cinderella would go ape shit with the glass slipper and slice the fuck outta the ugly sisters.
HD: I think the end would be Cinderella copping off with any one she could get her hands on because she'd drunk too much at the ball, thrown up all over the stair case,made a right tit of herself in front of the prince and his mates, spat in the fairy god mother's face and then eventually given the ugly sisters the biggest beating they had ever had...Of course then the real losers would appear from outta space and really got the party kicking, whilst Cinders was arrested by the pumpkinpolice, the end.
Hammer studios...You're british...What's your do you think about Hammer films?
TH: They're totally great! Vampires! Blood! Horses! Devil worship! Gratuitous nudity!-what a combination!
CS: Some are alright, some are lame, I think they are as english as a cup of tea. I'm more of a Ted.V.Mickels man!
Why does that name sound familiar?
CS: TV Michels is responsible for "the Corpse Grinders"...
TH:...Its about cats mysteriously attacking their owners. Investigations lead to a cat food factory that uses a very unique recipe!
HD: Some (Hammer Films) are great but i prefer movies by Mr Herschell G. lewis...total
trash!
What's your favorite Hershel Gordon Lewis' definitive moment?
CS: Mines "the Gore Gore Girls". ''Gruesome Twosome" has some classic H.G.L moments, the loon in the wig shop is pretty funny.
HD: "The Gore Gore Girls" defo...you can't beat watching a girl getting her ass tenderised and then salt added into the wounds..ouch!
What do you think about Christopher Lee?
TH: He's totally cool! I'll watch anything with him in. We used to have this song with a really stupid line in it: "Whats this i see? Is it Christopher Lee?" we did it at our first gig.
HD: Yes...."The Devil Rides Out". It was one of our first songs.
CS: He's definitely in the cool collection- I think the best thing he's done is "The Wicker Man"-all those erotic pagan rituals- plus Mr Lee looks great in a womens wig and dress!
What's up with the British driving on the wrong side of the road? Aren't you the only country that does that?
TH: It's you that drives on the wrong side! Coachmen used to sit on the right so they'd have their right hand free to fight off highway men. Australians drive on the same side as well. People such as The Saints and AC/DC so there!
Do you think you'd need a chauffer then if ya visited the US?
CS: Of course we'd take the chauffer- may be Jack Oblivian could do the honors?
Any of the Real Losers had a recent brushs with the law?
TH: I did. I was at a rock club and they wouldnt play any actual rock music. They played The Libertines who i hate so i threw all the tables off the balcony onto the dance floor. I got arrested outside. I damaged a car as well.
HD: This is The Hands very recent brush with the pigs. We only see the fuzz when our partying is too much for them...they get headaches easily, you see.
CS: The only time I got pulled over was in the States-and hey guess what for??? Driving on the wrong side of the stupid fucking road!!!!!
What were y'all thinking about when you wrote "Total Teen Degenerate"? Teengenerate? Maybe the Dictators song that they got the name from? Both? Neither?
CS: I was thinking about The Hand, we were out boozing in some crappy themed bar, and the DJ played "Born To Lose" and with out a second to spare The Hand was instigating a huge pile on in the middle of the dance floor...that says it all dude.
HD: We thought of the hand cos hes a total teen and we ripped off "Neat Neat Neat" by The Damned.
Other that rockin' the fuck out, What do the Real Losers do for fun?
HD: Orgasms and pottering around the garden and making jam!!!! That's Jelly to you folks!
TH: Watching t.v. & hanging out.
CS:Play records, collect sports cars, golf, trout farm, do up my mock castle, yoga, tantric sex, save trees, eat health food, act out scenes from The Revenge Of The Nerds, wrestle Hot dog and sleep.
Where does the Real Loser go on vacation? What types a things do you do while on holiday. Do most british still refer to it as "on holiday" or is that something to do to confuse us yanks. Cuz when we here "holiday" we think like Christmas and Thanksgiving.
TH: Thanksgiving is totally retarded. I'm glad we don't have it.
CS:Well me an hot dog drove up to Northumbria with a tent and gas stove and a pack of bacon. A real loser would live like a caveman out in the wilderness. Every day is a holiday.
HD: We tend to just do things on the cheap...but even losers need time to recharge their batteries and take it easy.
Find out more about the Real Losers, their madness, records and trashy livin' at their website.
The Real Losers also have a single out on our label Bancroft Records.
Download a track from it below.
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