SPREADING MY LOVE LIKE PEANUT BUTTER

Tell me King Khan, Right now-at this very second-How hard are you partying?

King Khan: Well, Dale, I'm in a bathrobe, my back hurts and I can't find the remote control, also there are twelve midgets massaging me and I'm getting a Hot Dog tattoo as we speak (in old english letters across my belly).

What inspires a King to leave his gold plated palace with a hundred and 5 servants and move to Germany to lead a Rock-n-Roll band?

KK: The gestapo made me do it. It's just like Bob Dylan said "No liquor in the land can stop your brain from bleeding." Actually truth be told it was like when Buddah left his palace and bummed around for a while under the Bo tree. Except I found Bo's guitar and was blessed by lil' angels.

You found Bo's guitar?? Do you think he lost it somewhere or do you believe he left it in a place where you would find it?

KK: Well he left a sign next to it that said HEY KING KHAN!!!! But attached to the sign was a one eyed purple people eater with a real nice body so I did what any King would do... Put my finger in the eye and told it NO TIME FOR THE IN AND OUT LOVE JUST CAME TO FEED THE METER and reclaimed the guitar...They are currently making a movie about the whole thing called WHEN WE WERE LORD OF THE KINGS, starring The Mighty Hannibal as myself.

How about The Dutchess?

KK: Seriously How 'bout that Dutchess!!! Yowzers!!!

Yeah! No kidding. She's like royalty. Speaking of which, You have a sister, Princess CoCo Butter Khan. She plays in a Rock-n-Roll band called the Del-Gators! Do people in your family look down upon you for leading her astray as well?

KK: Well as soon as I legally translated my real name to BlackSnake I was supposed to be banished into a cave for fifty years, with only a glass of water, a drumbuddy video and a spoon. Lucky for me my sister persuaded them to ease up the sentence so they just sewed my forked tongue back together. My mother came to the first Spaceshits show and got beer spat on her face and watched my hand get ripped open by a piece of glass. When I told her that I was gonna quit school and play rock n'roll she was so desensitized by all the other shit I had put her through including both my lungs collapsing that she just said "Sure son... I love you." The Khan family is pure unadulterated Rock N Frikking Roll (since we had the baby I don't cuss no more). My family never really understood the music of the Spaceshits, cuz they are more used to half hour sitar solos. Once I mastered the WAH WAH they said they might consider letting me back in the family, if I could make that gueeetar twang like a seeetar than I get all the gold baby all the gold... My sister plays pi-ano like Lil Richard and sings like Nico. I did some really quality recordings with her in the Summer of 2001. Our dream is to do the Staples singers thang one of these days if we ever git down to it. But to answer your question, no, my family loves rock n roll more than butter chicken.

Have you ever had anyone killed for say something like "Hubba Hubba" to her or ooggling her just a bit too much?

KK: I once peirced a guys eyelids together for winking at her and then took out his still beating heart, farted twice on it and stuck it back in. Back in my Rambo days I had this knife with cable tv in it and well dale, truth be told I am one hell of an over-protective sonofabiatch, but my sister has had a black belt in karate since she was 16, so I didn't really need to do anything, I saw her bust a guy over the head with one of those "HUY YEAH!!!" Chops and let me tell ya she just split the mother humper in two pieces.But now she went ahead and married a Spaceshit, so much for the genius gene, must've fell out with that extra chromosome. But I'm pretty happy that Oily Chi is my bruddah in law although I prefer Brother in Love... now he can't charge me for any artwork that he does for me!!!!! YEAH HOO!!!

What types of gifts did you lavish upon her and Oily Che at their wedding?

KK: First of all the name is Chi, I think Oily Che makes him sound a tad bit too revolutionary. Choyce and I got them the greatest wedding band ever... LES MUSTANGS. Also a quarter oz of PCP, some rockin' Dokken records and a couple of Tokes on the world's biggest spliff. Not to mention my royal presence at their Shindig... It was a great wedding, lots of love, indian food, everything you ever wanted but were afraid to think of. We even had an hour long jam which sounded very eerily like Electric Eels style. My mom said it was so loud that the kitchen staff couldn't hear each other even in the kitchen which was at the opposite end of the building... But thank god no cops came or were invited.

Being a King, Do you hang out with other Royalty? Do you go to Burger King with Elvis or go try on pants with Prince?

KK: I used to shoplift with Col. Lingus, he's pretty king-style. And Lyle Sheraton once flew into a restaurant window and I saved him from the vicious hands of the law. My favorite kings are those who try wearing moustaches because it makes them have to try 50 percent harder with the ladies. I like my kings raw, brutal and savage... me and JB are really tight, he called me from prison and I sent him a whopper with a cell phone in it.

I've seen Lyle Sheraton sport a moustache from time to time. You aren't telling me HE has to try harder with the ladies, are you?

KK: Lyle was the one that made roofies fashionable again in Canada... I've seen that mofo walk out of the ladies room with toilet paper attached to his heels and panty liners stuck to his moustache. When I asked him if he was feeling allright he kicked me in the balls and said don't I look like I'm alright. Anyways when Lyle tries harder there are holes in places holes shouldn't really be... he put the ache back in moustache.

Speaking of Lyle you didn't rig the election that got him voted in to the MAYOR OF CANADA position did you?

KK: Since I have always been emperor of the Dark Side of Canada... I can control weather, teardrops, elections and well... here's a lil secret... the next 25 cent stamp will have Lyle humping a moose with a mohawk, a MOUSTACHE and a Viletones T-Shirt!!!!

Does Toronto band The Deadly Snakes have to pay you royalties for using...

part of your given name (BlackSNAKE) in their name.

KK:Max pays me royalties everytime he cums, and Andre and I were originally the BlackSnake Brothers, back in the old legendary Kukamonga days. Cuz I had a forked tongue and he had that enormously sexy gap between his choppahs. The Snakes should pay me something cuz I was the one who "begged" Long Gone to put them out. I just saw them a few weeks ago and we had the rockinest Bachelor party ever. We all saw Oily Chi's ass get spanked buy two fine sistahs (Coco was not invitied).

"Three Hairs and Your Mine" What does that mean?

KK: I was picking my teeth one morning and found a few short and curlies stuck up their and I wondered who do these belong too? So I wrapped them up in a five dollar bill and buried them in a hole out in my yard next to the mini-golf aquarium. Few days later I was playing golf with these dolphins and one of them owed me a lot of money, so instead of paying me the dolphin wrote me this song. It's basically about how to capture someone's soul using the mighty mojo powers. It's based on a true story my grandma told me about how witches feed owl meat to the people they wanna control. I just got sponsered by Burger King for the King Khan Owl Burger, so if you wanna try it be very careful and don't leave any mayonnaise on her face.

Do you look at Screaming Jay Hawkins as a spiritual godfather?

KK: Well I think he and I have a lot in common. I love talking about poop, voodoo, and orientals just as much as him. I had a dream once that I was hanging out with him and he told me that I was on the good foot and that I oughta have more kids. So I took his advice and am now officially SPREADING MY LOVE LIKE PEANUT BUTTER and doin' it, you know, movin' it. Exercising my right to fornication. What I love most aboout Screamin Jay is that he mixed a lot of humour into his voodoo. I try to do the same, and have as much fun as possible Always remember that FUN are the first three letters in Funeral

He had so many god-dang kids...Are you working for a goal like that?

KK: Yes infact you can buy my sperm in a frozen dildo on the internet, for all you hungry girls looking for a little royalty in your family.

Do you know the song "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover?" It had lyrics like "Slip out the back jack/Make a new plan Stan"...What was did the song FORGET to mention?

KK: I actually don't know this song, but perhaps it forgot to mention "finish the job rob" or "put on yer pants constance" or "eat the bird bitch" Now I'm getting childish...

I need a bit of advice...When I go pick up my baby I walk up to the front porch and I always hear the door on the back porch slam. Do you think she's cheatin'?

KK: Either she's cheating or she's making love to some kind of garden animal. You should have her fixed and put a chain on her. Then get a sliding door for the porch, cuz that's always nicer in the summers.

So you don't think nailing the door shut would be a better idea?

KK: Well if you do that than your just asking for a fight and if your baby 's cheating on you with Joe Piscapo I hope for your sake that you got that 2 by 4 with the nails stuck in it.

Another thing! She's got a job too but when we got out to dinner...I ALWAYS GOTTA PICK UP THE CHECK!!! Please tell me King Khan how do I suggest she treats me every now and then too??

KK: Well invite her to a really expensive restaurant and order the lobster and then when it comes time to pay, sneak into the bathroom with a porno mag and have a little session for an half hour. Then when you come back to the table you'll be sso satisfied after "Your session" that you will have no trouble telling her that you have no money. If that doesn't work, than write on a napkin "MY WIFE HAS A GUN" and slip it to the waiter when she's not looking. Then pretend to pay and walk out the door with her and run into the car and drive fast.

Also, When can't I stop opening doors for her?

KK: Always walk behind her, that way you got a nice view of that swingin derriere that you love to love so much and then she'll have to open the doors for you. And while she holds the door open tap her on the cheeks and say three HAIL KING KHAN's...

Have you ever thought of making on of those "booty movies" like the guy from Two Live Crew does. He takes a couple of his bro's and some video cameras then they go to Strip Bars and vacation spots and get's girls to do some nasty things.

KK: Well my movie career started way back when TT Rogers of the Irritations made his first flicks. I was the star of TEENAGE TITZ a soft core teenage adventure about a man in search for his lost nipple. The second filck we did was ENCHILADAS DE AMORA named after a great Robt. Williams painting... this was TT's homage to Dawn of the Dead where I fight zombies and eat flesh. The last and by far the greatest unfinished masterpiece of the 20th century was COUNT CRACKULA AND THE COCAINE KID starring Lyle 'Show me the Money' Sheraton as The Cocaine Kid and myself as Count Crackula. TT never finished this flick because the NAtional Film Board of Canada banned it before it even got finished. The movie's main theme was based around a drug made from the brains of prostitutes... all that is available now of that film is the MAKING OF COUNT CRACKULA AND THE COCAINE KID which is probably way more entertaining than if TT had actually finished the film. My first Booty Film was HOMBRE FATAL directed by a german director named IRIS CUNTZE, who made a film with me as a male gogo dancer. I like the idea of going to vacation spots with dildos but nowadays I try to go for more artful projects cuz thats where the smart girls are and everybody knows that when the glasses come off so do all her inhibitions. In Lyle's own words 'Every since I quit smoking... I been hoarking up the weirdest shit Eh!!!

I heard a rumor that you weren't really a King but a kid from Canada who played the punker band called the Spaceshits? How does King Khan handle such rumor-mongers?

KK: The Spaceshits, why that's a fabulous name!!!!! I once worked for a man called Blacksnake and he sold his soul and identity to me for two lamb tails and a bucket of KFC. He told me to watch out for rumour mongers and castrate them. I prefer using my voodoo to torture rumour mongers and give them fingers in places where fingers should never be or the old buttplug for life spell always works wonders. The Spaceshits never die we only multiply We were the NWA of Punk Rock. I threw in the towel first making me the Eazy E of the band, Pepe was like Dr.Dre. I mean just cuz I'm the King now don't mean I still don't like to piss my pants and eat razorblades and shit fire King Khan will always be a punk like Judy or Sheena.

Whens the last time you shook your chick'n bone? Did it bring you the results you wanted...

KK: I was given a juju necklace with real human bones on it. Last time I shook it the rain stopped and then people from a french TV station came up to me and asked me for an interview. I said yes and we did the interview in a pink trailer, totally John Waters style I was making popcorn that was all burnt and the whole band was sitting around with hitler moustaches.

Out of all your voodoo dolls which one do you stick with a pin most?

KK: I'd like to make a Voodoo doll for all of the Scandinavian Arena rock people, I'd make it look like the singer from WhiteSnake and write Scandinavia across its chest. I also hate the Quadrajets cuz they are pussies and their music sucks....

The wine you're bringing..Is it some German wine?

KK: The best German wine is called LE BONJOUR and costs less than MD 20/20 and makes you shit blood red, now I ask you what is a BBQ with out the swill? A fuckin Soiree. Are we having a soiree, Dale or a frikkin BBQ? I'm not coming if Lyle is not invited. Cuz no BBQ is a BBQ without Lyle "Pardon My French" Sheraton.

Alright, King Khan, I'll try my best but Lyle seems to be retty busy with the "Fubar" movies and his Mayoring of Canada these days! What three people should I invite over to make up for his absence?

KK: Bob Log, John Wright, and Dickie Peterson

To invite John Wright you'd have to first check out the official fan page of Mister John Wright! As far as Dickie Peterson...Isn't he the guy from the Mighty Mighty Bosstones? Oh! Yeah! He's the guy from Blue Cheer! Do you think he'd bring an amp as big as my garage to jam on?

KK: He would probably just plug into your mind and set the controls to Roky's Sun Dial and time would slow down and melt into the center of Ted Nugent's brain and Kraftwerk would become real big again and Joan Jett would grow her hair again and INNA GODDAVIDA BABY DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU DALE!!!.

You're label boss, Beatman told me that when he makes a million dollars I can go visit him and jump in his pool and when I make a million dollars he will come jump in mine. When you make a million dollars are you gonna buy a pool and let people jump in it?

KK: No because chlorine really dries out my eyes, I'd buy a house on an oil rig and eat calamare all day long. Maybe have an army of dolphins and pandas that roam through the ocean in leather jackets and then change my name to T-R-O-U-B-L-E so when I'd walk in the room they say uh oh.

Hey Beatman has kids too. Do your kids and his get together and jam?

KK: They jam and wrestle and write poems and eat rocks. Chet is super funky and Saba=Lou is super bad they are gonna be the next Bat girl and Encino Man.

Man, I tell ya what King Khan...We should get Chet and Saba Lou over to the states or get Lucas and Nolan over to Europe (Have you ever met Nolan? I'm fuzzy on the last time you made a royal junket over to Port Huron. He's three. Lucas is six now) and record. Shit, I betcha Long Gone would put it out. He eats that kiddy-like stuff up. We'll become svengalis and in twenty years we'll be the subjects of scandalous books.

KK:The last time I was in Port Huron, joe cut his upperlip open answering the phone, Larry was the host with the most and I got to see that Detroit Cobras video where Rachel is sitting on Larry's face while he's passed out on stage. I think I met Nolan, but in the picture I have of us at the beach you are holding young Lucas I believe and John Wright is smoking fish oil. You can send me your kids whenever you want Dale, I wanna have tons of kids, just like the old lady in the shoe.You got two sons, I got two daughters, Chet could move in. I mean chances are one of the boys'll turn gay but hey that's cool than they could be the next Velvet Underground and you and I can manage them and move into a real nice loft in New York and be fancy free. Listen Dale if the Strokes can do it, than three proud papas like us can certainly do it. Beat-man could even lend us his van when we take the kids to Eurodisney. Listen Dale, I got my very own studio here fully equipped with tons of baby toys and hallucingenics. It's really about time you sailed the Merill Boat to Khan's Moon Studios. I recorded an album here in three days with my friend Jasper from the Moorat Fingers. It will come out on Rip Off sometime in the winter I hope. It's my new two-man punk band called the BLACK JASPERS. Anyways, send me your children I'll make em real BIG, 'nuff said.